The pain will ease, i promise.
by abandon
Summary: the aftermath of Aeryn's failed suicide attempt. Will she find love in the other Crichton's arms?


The Pain will Ease, I Promise  
  
By  
  
abandon  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: All characters relating to Farscape are not mine, the story and ideas within are.  
  
Summary: Aeryn wakes up in the sick bay after the failed suicide attempt. John Green try's to talk to her. Will Aeryn find love in the other John's arms?  
  
Setting: Is set after Infinite Possibilities: Part 2: Icarus Abides  
  
Authors Notes: This fic makes more sense if you read the first part called Loneliness.  
  
Loneliness  
  
2002 ABANDON .a.k.a. Paula McCrossan  
  
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Where am I?.......am I dead?......am I in Crichton's hell he once spoke of?....what is happening?....D'Argo, Rygel, Chiana, are they all dead too? Did something tragic happen to Moya and her crew?....what the frell is going on. I don't understand.  
  
'Aeryn!..Can you hear me, it's D'argo.' The last time he looked down on his ill friend was when the telant virus had infected the Peacekeeper, Larraq who had in turn stabbed Aeryn. The feelings which had filled him in that point of time were hate towards the Peacekeeper, and fear for his friend who was wounded badly. All he wanted to do was to make sure she would be safe and that she would be fine. The same emotions filled him again, but this time there was hate towards himself, for not being they're for his friend, who clearly needed their help and support. As he too knows the feelings of what it's like to mourn the one you love.  
  
'What?'  
  
Through a blurred vision Aeryn searches the faces of those before her for any recognition of who they are, she instantly recognises her friend and comrade D'argo, in the corner she can hear a humming noise as if something mechanical is hovering above her, 'that's got to be Rygel,' she thought. At the end of the bed she can see, what seems to be two females, one with grey hair and the other has got bright red hair, Chiana and Jool, She looks at the final person which appears to be a Sebacean, yet her senses tell her something different. It has to be the OTHER Crichton. Yet being surrounded by people who she knows, does not help her understand the situation. Is she alive or is she dead? Am I in some twisted place, where I'm surrounded by the people who cared for me, am I being tortured for the things I have done in the past. She is suddenly aware that Chiana is moving towards the side of the bed, she scans her face, as if trying to read her thoughts, there is a look of concern in her eyes. She try's and thinks of what might being coming next when her thoughts are interrupted by Chiana's soft voice.  
  
'Why?, why did you do it?' Chiana stares into her friend's eyes, she can see the pain that she's in. Although she hardly ever got on with Aeryn, she regards her in some way, as a big sister. Always nagging her, but always trying to keep her safe and out of trouble. She couldn't understand why Aeryn did what she did to herself, and didn't come to speak to any of them. She would do anything for Aeryn if she asked, ok maybe not at first but eventually she would.  
  
Aeryn is suddenly pulled back into the reality which she tried to leave behind, her eyes becomes focused on the people and objects surrounding her. She is on Moya and in the sick bay, as she moves her arms she feels a jolt of pain in both of her wrists. Without looking for the pain, the realisation of what she had tried to do hit her, as if being hit in the stomach. Her stomach tightened, as self-pity enveloped her, as it had done before. She didn't want to answer Chiana's question, she didn't want to talk to any of them. To avoid their stares, she turned over in the bed to be facing one of Moya's walls. With her back to the others, she felt as if it was protecting her from returning back to the world, which she so desperately wanted to leave, the world, which she had failed to leave behind. The more she thought about her failed attempt, the more it gnawed at her, chewing and living on the hatred which she had for herself.  
  
Crichton could bare it any more, he moves closer to the woman who he would do anything for, and is about to put his hand on her shoulder, when he thinks better of it. He knows how hard it must be for her, to watch the man she loved die, to mourn him, yet on her return to Moya he is alive, yet its not him, as she sees him as the copy, the fake, the impostor. He stands their for a second, contemplating that what he is about to say should be said. 'Aeryn, please talk to us' Almost pleading to her to open up.  
  
Aeryn doesn't even want to look at them, let alone talk to them. What do they know, no one can possibly know the way I feel, I wish they would all...'Leave me alone' before she had realized what she had done, she had said the last few words out loud. However surprised she was by her own actions her position never moved. They all reluctantly started to leave one by one, not knowing if they should leave her on her own, not in the state of mind which she currently is in. Crichton hesitates before leaving the room, he turns to look at Aeryn. He so desperately wants to cradle her fragile body in his arms, to protect her from whatever pain she is feeling. He knows, that this is a battle he cannot win, he eventually leaves the room feeling he has failed to protect her.  
  
I just want to be alone, is that a hard concept for them to understand, alone. Away from them, away from this place called the living. I just want to be with him, I love him so much. Yet seeing the other Crichton is confusing me. I have feelings toward him I can't control, should this be right? She struggles to fight her thoughts, at one time she used to find them comforting, but now, all she feels is confused. There are so many questions, which she feels needs answering. Do I love this man? Is this wrong? Am I betraying the man I love? Aeryn starts to get up, when she feels a sense of drowsiness wash over her, It must be whatever painkillers they gave me, slowly she makes her way to the mirror on the other side of the room. Slowly and carefully she reaches the mirror. She stares into the mirror as if trying to see the monster, which she has become. This isn't right, I'm betraying the man who died to save us all, the man I love, what kind of a person am I?. Rage begins to build up inside of the once so strong and powerful soldier, who is now so weak and fragile that she has to support herself on the basin of the sink. Looking deep into the eyes that stare back the anger erupts, I hate you, I hate you, with each word said aloud her rage explodes even more, with her fists hitting the glass mirror again and again, to destroy the image which she hates so much. She finally stops when she notices bits of blood on the glass shards as well as the wall, where the mirror use to be. She just looks at her hands, which are bleeding slowly from the wounds, which she had just inflicted upon herself. She feels nothing but hatred and disgust.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
D'argo and Crichton are in one of Moya's corridors heading back to command. The others have already gone off ahead and are waiting for their arrival. The hums of the ship always use to comfort Crichton, they use to remind him of Earth, the hums sounded familiar with everyday noises which you never really noticed until they were gone. But today, they did not comfort him, he was more worried about Aeryn than anything else. The last time D'argo and himself had walked down Moya's corridor alone was when Zhaan was still alive, and had blessed them before they blew up that gammak base. Even then he had felt uncertainty, that he wasn't sure what to do, or even if the decision was a right one. Now, he needed D'argo to give him some wise words of wisdom.  
  
'D'argo, what happened?, I mean was it an accident or something?'  
  
The human and the Luxan had become close friends over the cycles, but what D'argo was about to tell his friend made him hesitate before replying.  
  
'Crichton, it was no accident, she intended on ending her life'  
  
Crichton grabs the Luxan warrior's arm to stop him from moving down the corridor towards the command centre. 'No, why would she want to die?'  
  
He already knew what the answer was going to be before D'argo replied. 'Because of you'.  
  
Crichton was speechless, although he already knew deep down, he didn't want to believe that he was the cause of Aeryns emotional problems.  
  
'Yes you my friend' D'argo paused before he continued. 'she lost someone who she loved, she mourned for her lover, and seeing you he has sent her emotions all over the place, as she hopes your him, but she knows your the other Crichton'. D'argo moves closer to Crichton, he places him hand on his shoulder reassuring him that he couldn't of known. 'Well, what can I do, I mean I love Aeryn I would do anything for her, I...D'argo interrupts sharply, 'Stay away from her, Crichton'.  
  
'What?' Crichton backs away from his friends shoulder embrace and can't believe what he is hearing. 'Seeing you here is only going to confuse her. 'She lost the man she loved. She is going to see you as the copy.' Crichton is hurt by the word copy. 'Be patient and give her time.'  
  
Before Crichton could comment, Pilot interrupted them. His voice was calm and soft like it always was, no matter what the situation. 'Their is a problem'. Crichton is clearly upset with Pilot, for interrupting his and D'argo's conversation. 'Is it important Pilot, can't it wait?'  
  
'No, I'm afraid not, it involves Officer Sun. She has gone missing.' He too cared deeply for Aeryn, she shared a common bond with Pilot, which made them become close on more than one occasion. He had learnt to trust a Peacekeeper and she had become a dear friend to him.  
  
'Pilot, What do you mean she has gone missing, she has to be on Moya', D'argo looks at his friend, knowing that whatever is going on with Aeryn is hurting him inside, not being able to protect the woman he loves.  
  
'She is no longer in the sick bay. And I cannot pick her up on any of my scans of Moya. Also there seems to have been a disturbance in the sick bay'  
  
'Ok, Pilot, D'argo and me are on our way, keep scanning Moya for Aeryn'.  
  
With that final command Pilot's voice disappeared from the their comms. D'argo and Crichton ran back to the room which they had left over half an arn ago. Crichton prayed in his heart that Aeryn was ok, and that he could scoop her up in his arms and put her in his bed, where they both would fall fast asleep in each other's arms. As if somehow, sleep and dreaming protected them and took them to another world which could not harm or destroy them but made them feel at peace and at ease with themselves and their surroundings. As if nothing could hurt them, not the Scarrens, the Peacekeepers and especially Scorpius. When the sick bay door came nearer and nearer his heart started to beat faster and faster, not knowing what he would be confronted with, once inside the room. He could see that the others had already arrived, and were looking round the room for anything, which could lead them to the whereabouts of where Aeryn was. Crichton took a deep breath before he entered the room. For what he saw he could never imagine, the room had been completely destroyed. Their was no furniture left in room, when only over half an arn ago their was a table, which was now broken up into pieces of what could only be described as firewood. Their were two beds which where covered in a golden blanket. The beds now lay on the floor in the corner of the room in pieces. As if someone had picked them up and through them at the wall. The once golden blankets, had been shredded into tiny pieces of fabric, then thrown around the room. And there was a mirror, which now had been savagely smashed. But what was more disturbing was there was blood on the wall and in the basin where most of the glass had been collected. Crichton couldn't believe what he saw, there was so much destruction in the room, he wouldn't believe that this was Aeryns doing. He was the first one to break the silence that filled the room. 'We need to find Aeryn now'.  
  
Chiana moves closer to Crichton, she too is worried about Aeryn. 'What, you think she did this?' By the look on Crichton's face he believes so. Chiana doesn't believe that someone could do so much damage. 'No way, Aeryn couldn't have done this, in the condition she is in'.  
  
' That is why I think she did this, she is not in a stable state of mind, she might try and do something stupid, so we need to find her fast'. Crichton nods his head to the others who understand what he is saying. They all race off down Moya's long corridors to find their comrade and friend who urgently needs their help.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
'Pilot, has anyone found Aeryn yet. It's been 5 arns already' Where the hell is she? what if she's done something stupid again and is bleeding to death right now? The thoughts keep going around his head, he kept mentally kicking himself for thinking these things.  
  
'I'm sorry Commander Crichton, but their has been no word yet.'  
  
Crichton's frustration spills over into a sudden surge of rage, which he takes out on some storage containers, which are on the floor of one of Moya's corridors. 'Can't you get the DRD's looking for her as well, Pilot'  
  
'We've got all the DRD's which we can spare looking for Officer Sun.'  
  
Because of his anger at not finding Aeryn he takes it out on Pilot. 'It's not good enough, we need to find her now'  
  
'Commander Crichton, we are all concerned for the safety of Officer Sun. I am helping all that I can.'  
  
Crichton knows that he shouldn't take out his anger and frustration on Pilot. He sits down on one of the storage containers, which he kicked earlier. 'I know Pilot, I'm sorry. I just want to know she's ok' He brings his hands to his face and starts to rub his eyes when he has an idea. There was one place, which no one had thought about looking, 'I think I might know where she is'.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Crichton is at the door of the terrace. Aeryn and him had often come here, just to sit and talk for arns on end. This is the last place, which she could be. And is the last place anyone would think of looking for her here. He waves his hand over the door sensor controls. The door opens to reveal Aeryn Sun on the floor, with her knees tucked into her chess with her head slumped over them. She looks up and into the eyes of Crichton, her former love, but is isn't him. He can see she has been crying by the redness of her swollen eyes. He has also noticed the dried blood on her hand from where she hit the mirror.  
  
'Go Away, leave me alone' She can't cope with him, seeing her like this, vulnerable, and weak. She knows she needs to explain herself to him, to tell him how she feels but the words don't come out right. But she knows, no matter what she tells him he won't leave her.  
  
Crichton ignores her words and slowly moves closer to her, 'Aeryn, its only me, John. I wish you would talk to me. Seeing her like this breaks his heart, if only she had came to talk to me sooner. Maybe, just maybe, we wouldn't be in this mess. Aeryn feeling suicidal and me trying to be the hero.  
  
She can see that he is trying to get close to her. She gets up and starts to leave, he grabs her by her arm and swings her around to face him.  
  
'Let me go'. Aeryn struggles against his hold. He knows that she is too tired and weak to fight back, she knows this too and eventually gives up the resistance. 'Talk to me Aeryn. What's wrong?'  
  
'I hate myself, I'm a terrible person, and I'm betraying the one I love. I deserve to die.'  
  
'Aeryn, stop it! you don't deserve to die, Your not a terrible person, your the most amazing person I have ever known.' He brushes a fallen piece of her long black hair out of her eyes and behind her ear. At first she seemed to enjoy the touch of his hand on her skin, but to her it felt wrong. She backed away from his touch. 'I'm sorry Aeryn, I didn't mean anything by it'.  
  
'I can't do this anymore, it hurts too much, I watched you die, but your not dead, your hear, standing right in front of me.' Tears begin to stream down her face, as if she had no control over them. I can't believe I'm letting him see me cry, to see me the way I am.  
  
'No, Aeryn, I'm not him, I never will be. It kills me to know your going through this pain. you two shared and experienced things together which I will never do. I'm not here to replace him. Just please don't shut me out' . By this time, Crichton had got hold of Aeryn again, and was looking deeply into her eyes, as if trying to ease some of her pain.  
  
'Crichton just let me go, it's just too frelling hard to be near you.'. She breaks free from his hold and runs off down the corridor. Crichton chases after her. Knowing that the state of mind, which she is in, could cause her to do something stupid against herself.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
'Aeryn, wait up!' Crichton finally came to a stop outside of Aeryns quarters. He slowly walks into the room not wanting to make Aeryn anymore agitated than she already is. He can see that she is sat down on the end of her bed. She's been crying even more since they left the terrace. He walks over to Aeryn and kneels down so he is almost eye level with her. He slowly and gently takes both of her hands and holds them in his. 'Aeryn, please, talk to me, this isn't like you'. Come on baby, you know you can always talk to me, know matter what about. Almost begging her to open up to him, for her to release all of her demons which she is keeping bottled up inside.  
  
Aeryn looks into Crichton's eyes before proceeding. 'It's too hard to be around you....' she pauses trying to find the words. 'I have these feeling's which I had with the other Crichton, but I feel them for you as well. It's confusing. I don't know what to do, am I betraying John, if I love you? I don't know what to do. I feel attracted to you, but I know it's wrong. It's not right, what do I do?'  
  
'It's not up to me. I know you loved him very much. And I'm sorry for the pain, which you feel. I promise you, it will ease over time. you will eventually learn to move on, never forget what you two had together. But right now at this moment in time, you need to do what you feel is right in your heart'  
  
What Aeryn said next made Crichton uncomfortable as he so much wanted to be with her. But was it just because she was lonely and vulnerable and simply just needed it.  
  
'Frell, me, Crichton'  
  
'What!, Aeryn I don't think you know what your saying, your very emotional and I think I need to get one of the others, my being here is confusing you'. Does she mean it, or is it because she needs it.  
  
'No Crichton I know what I want, and I want to be frelled.' Am I asking the wrong thing, is this right?  
  
'No Aeryn' He so much wanted it to happen but he knew that Aeryn wasn't emotional ready for that next step. As it could push her more over the edge than she already is.  
  
Because of what seemed like a rejection from Crichton, Aeryn broke down crying. It was an uncontrollable sobbing. Crichton moves closer to her slowly. I'm sorry Crichton, it's just I miss him so much, I don't know how to live without him.' Crichton pulls her forward towards him and his hugging her. They are now both sat on the floor, with Crichton enveloping Aeryn in his embrace. I know I did the right thing, I hope Aeryn will understand.  
  
Slowly Aeryns breathing becomes normal again as she slowly drifts off into sleep in Crichton's warm embrace. Crichton leans forward and places a soft kiss onto her black hair. 'Aeryn, you are never alone, I will always be here for you'. And with that, he too falls asleep savouring this tender moment he is having with Aeryn. Both lost in the world of sleep, which for now will ease their pain, as tomorrow is another day.  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Note: I hope you liked it, it's only my second try. So I would love it if you could review it for me, as I'd like to know what you thought of it. :-) 


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